MasterwebNews 29/2/16: Solving The Biafra Problem

[ Masterweb Reports: Fiction By Dr. James C. Agazie ] - Three Nigerian men met at the foot of Dutsen Lamba, a stony hill in the vicinity of Jos  They came to discuss appropriate Muslim response to the recurrent Igbo problem, including Biafra and Nnamdi Kalu. After shaking each other’s hands and washing their extremities with warm water from small  kettles, they knelt down in a solemn moment of prayer, facing the intersection of 31degrees 47minures N by 35 degrees 13 minutes E. Time came for introductions.


 “I’m Ayo, Yoruba, from Ado Ekiti. I forgot to tell you I am Muslim,” the first said.


The second was a tall, slender, and lanky fellow. “ My name is Ogenyi. I am Idoma converted Mslim . I hate Nyamirins.”


The third man, who appeared to be a nomadic Fulani said: “My name’s Usman Garba Suleiman. Of course, Muslim.”  


AYO: “The problem with Igbos is that they are like weeds which climb up every tree and spread across all surfaces . We’ve allowed them to trade their goods in Lagos, and now they are claiming the West is no man’s land. Soon they will be claiming Kano, Kaduna, Sokoto, and even the State of Plateau.  Barawo. Anyamiri.


OGENYI:  That’s right, Mallam Ayo. I second your motion. The igbos say they can’t be stopped. They have turned Sabon Garri into a slaughter house of pigs. You know we Muslims don’t chop pork.


SULEIMAN: Forget all that turning and chopping. What I’m concerned  about is this: these people don’t respect Muhammed and Islam. That bothers me more than gonorrhea  or malarial fever. Very painful.


OGENYI: I must add, Alhaji Suleiman. It is more painful than kwarikwata bites or the sting of koboko on bare backs. That’s right. Why can’t these Anyamiris respect our religion or, at least honor our Ramadan week and stop eating pork?


AYO: Impossible.  Can  Americans stop going to Zimbabwe to shoot those lions? Impossible! The best solution is to dispossess Igbos of things they love the most: money and land. Let’s drive them out of lucrative  ventures like choice property, government contracts, and ministerial posts that oversee resources.


SULEIMAN: How do we do that without first converting them to Islam? Let’s  be real and get them to think like us, worship like us, sleep like we sleep , and go to Mecca once in a lifetime.


OGENYI: Did you say sleep like us?  Mark this: Igbo women are hard to convert to Islam. Allowing  Anyamiri men to marry Muslim women is risky. Why? Once you let our women taste the forbidden  fruits, you must let the door of cattle market wide and flung far.  Forbidden fruits are irresistibly sweetest. Very risky, indeed! I believe the best solution is to strengthen Sharia law; enforce the covering of Anyamiri women legs and faces in public; prohibit Muslim women’s drivers chauffeuring our women   to meet Anyamiri men behind our backs; and outlaw the selling and watching of anyamirin movies coming from Lagos Nollywood, including beauty contests that drive our women into Western pollution.


SULEIMAN: Ye wah.    ambiguation


OGENYI:  One final thing. How do we handle upcoming elections in 2020? Igbos are too verbose. They are infested with high ambiguation. By ambuguation  I mean  words and phrases that lend to several interpretations, heavy faluting, meaning their grammar is like the long and winding road, leading to nowhere. Remember how they confused Gowon at Aburi. I thank you all, and  Ayo, what’s on your mind. Conniving bastard?


AYO: No final word. But I believe the solution to Ogenyi’s concern is to hire some expert Oxford educated grammarians like Sir William Leeds Leubke, PhD, LLD to translate difficult Anyamiri words.


 SULEIMAN: That’s a good idea. I’m still not clear on the Islamization process. Our boko boys suggest enslaving  and indoctrinating the Igbos might be a viable option. The question is this :Who will bell the cat? Sshhh. Sssshhh. Meeetig is adjourned as of now. Here comes our Anyamiri comrade Alhaji Stanley Okechukwu Okeke. Ssshhhh.


Meeting adjourned abruptly



In the first part of this story, three Muslims brainstormed on how to unravel the Igbo riddle . How do the Muslims  go about containing the Igbo expansionist ambitions and curtailing their money-making proclivity? Yoruba Muslin Ayo suggests denying Anyamiris access to lucrative land deals, government contracts and ministerial posts in finance. Fulani Suleiman chooses intermarriage and conversion of Igbos to Islam. It was Idoma convert to Islam Ogenyi’s position that the Sharia law would provide the lasting solution..  ENTERS the 4th brainstormer Alhaji Stanley Okechukwu Okeke, the only Igbo Muslim in the group.


AYO: Alhaji Okeke, we’ve been discussing how to make Islam the only religion in this country. First, how was your recent pilgrimage to Mecca with your beautiful wife? Er, Em Excuse me,  I meant with your fourth wife. How did the trip go?


OKEKE: We almost didn’t make it. The airline cancelled Alhaja Mercy Okoke’s reservation at the last minute.


OGENYI: Why? She’s  Muslim, isn’t she? These Anyamiri Christians are something else. We shall defeat them with Allah’s help.


OKEKE: I believe we shall. They say her ass was so wide she couldn’t fit into the passenger seat. We almost didn’t go until I was able to secure three adjoining seats in a row and have the armrests removed. It couldn’t have been done without Ayo’ s help.


AYO: Sorry about that. I thought she is beautiful the way she is.  Er. Em. Excuse me.  And---


SULEIMAN: I shall have a serious talk with the President and his people.  We have been demanding that Muslim trips to Mecca be comfortable and provided free of charge and guaranteed for all Muslims who want to pay homage to our Great Prophet. Allah be praised. It is within our rights.


OGENYI: “Anyamiris have been demanding for our government  to pay for their visits to their Holy Land in Israel. You know Isrealis are our deadly enemies.  How do we deal with what we ‘ve been talking about, Alhaji Okeke? I mean Islamize these  Anyamiris knockerheads?


OKEKE: Easy. But that’s a hard job.


SULEIMAN: Easy and hard?  How’s that so? Please explain. How do we convert Anyamirins to Islam?


OKEKE: Easy. You see, comrades.  Anyamiris are hard to convert to our religion. Why? They love money  and so much money it would cost us all the money in the NNPC. Give me enough money and support  to go after the Igbo leadership who have power over their people. You know, among Igbos, money and title are everything, and we know if you want to certify an Anyamiri is really dead, you know what to do. Call him Chief Moneyman Nwoye and see if he moves. Place a bundle of Naira on the dead body. No movement means he or she is really dead.


AYO: You are right, Comrade Okeke. I know it. My Igbo girlfriend Comfort  wants to be my fourth wife, but she demands millions of Naira for red Mercedes, mansions in Port Harcourt, South Africa, and frequent trips to Dubai and vacations at the American Disney World . I tell you what?. Nawa. 


OGENYI: For one thing, Alhaji Okeke, how much money are you talking about? Can you handle the upcoming elections  in 2020 as well as conversion of Anyamiris to our world class religion? Can you? I mean can we pay you so you can buy our election winning results in 2020?


OKEKE: Very easily, my friend.  Can’t place my hand on exact figure that would do.  Perhaps N500 trillion   will help to begin the massive job for the Great Prophet. Allah be praised.


AYO. Very well. No problem. We have over 570 billion dollars between Barclays and Citibank. Remember we have to purchase expensive GulfStream jets for each of our Muslim governors. 


SULEIMAN: Ayo, it’s hard to find you sometimes. Are you still enforcing the Sharia laws against the akwukwuma (prostitutes), the lega-lega (homosexuals), and the triko-triko (traversites)? I know you are.


OKEKE’ No, Ayo is not. He’s always at my house checking my wife’s big buttoms out, I have asked him to please marry my wife’s younger sister Comfort with twice the butt size. I don’t know why he is wasting time.


(Ayo lowers his head in shame. There was a loud laughter until Suleiman recovered control).


SULEIMAN: Order! Order!  I say order.  Ayo, while you are out checking butts sizes, please check to see the size of Muslim cash flow (not  nyash slow) at all banks, including the Central Bank of Nigeria, Barclay’s, Saudi banks, New York, California, Dubai Bank. Alhaji Okeke, we shall get back to you after we pull all the money together. Give us about a week. Thank you all, gentlemen. Any final word before meeting is adjourned?


OGENYI: Would it be better to import white Muslim girls from

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